


I Blame You

by HawkyBarton



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Poor Clint, Rage Quit, Tony is so appaled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-12 22:03:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4496424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HawkyBarton/pseuds/HawkyBarton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil blames Clint and only Clint </p><p>AKA: The Best Damn Thing You'll Ever Read (in vignettes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thegirlwiththefro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwiththefro/gifts).



> Based off of the Rooster Teeth Rage Quit starters for RP on tumblr

"I blame you and only you"

 

"Shut up Phil, all I did was tell him about it"

 

"I blame youuuu"

 

*******

When Clint realized that Steve Rogers still didn't know about youtube, he immediately remedied the situation.

 

"So, I just type into the search bar what i want to see and it'll be there?"

 

Clint nodded, "Yup. Here, I'll get you started. Whenever I just want to let loose, I always like to go to the youtube channel Roosterteeth"

 

Steve blinked, "Roosterteeth? That already sounds interesting"

 

Clint laughed, "Oh it is" Typing something into the search bar, Clint spun the screen back to Steve "Have fun. Rage Quit is my favorite thing to watch"

 

It was a mistake that can never be remedied.

 

~

"Haul ass! Haul ass, haul ass, YA DIDN’T HAUL ASS!” Steve screamed over the comms as the Avengers were running from the building that was about to explode.

 

"I'M SORRY WHAT?" Tony Stark spluttered as he practically fell out of the sky before righting himself.

 

Steve huffed, “Shit is dangerous as dicks. We have to get out of here, quick!"

 

"Oh my god... Oh my god! Is anyone else listening to this?!"

 

"Shut up Stark, we're running for our lives, not run our mouths" Phil and Natasha both screamed at the same time.

 

Steve nodded, "Yeah Stark. You move SLOW as SHIT"

 

"Asdfghjkl, I think I'm dead" Tony spluttered as he began to fly as fast as he could.

 

Clint briefly thought he recognized some of the phrases Steve was spewing out, but forgot it in favor of running for his life.

 

*******

"Come on Stark! We need to spar"

 

Tony (who had not slept the night before due to him being a dumb shit who never realized what the time was when he was working) groaned and shook his head, "M tireddddd. No sparring today"

 

Steve just rolled his eyes, “Put on your fucking Nikes! Pump it up and air it OUT!”

 

Tony blinked and sat up, "Wat?!"

 

Steve huffed, "Put on your shoes Stark. We're gonna spar. It’s like Pac-Man… but shit."

 

Tony gaped, "Uh... Yeah... Okay? Just uhm... Yeah"

 

Steve grinned and jogged off, knowing that Stark wouldn't be too far behind.

 

*******

Clint and Tony were looking at at cat which was sitting on the table in the common room. Neither know where the cat came from, but it was there.

 

Steve came in and just looked at the cat as well, "What the fuck is your cat doin’ on the kitchen table?”

  
Both men jumped at the sound of Steve's voice.

 

Clint turned around, "Actually we don't know whose cat it is.  The cat just appeared here"

 

Tony shrugged, "Well I guess the cat is our's now"

 

Steve smiled, “Well then. Fuckin’ feed your cat, dick head!” and left the room.

 

Tony looked appalled while Clint just laughed at his expression.

 

*******

Steve watched Melinda May spar with Natasha Romanova. "Wow"

 

Phil nodded, "They've been doing this for years. No one is better than Nat or May"

 

“Well of course. They're both awesome Phil. Melinda's fighting style is great! Like a fucking NINJA that she is!”

 

Phil blinked, "Wait what?"

 

Steve grinned, "May is a ninja."

 

Phil just nodded slowly, "Oh now I get it"

 

Steve tipped his head, "Get what?"

 

Phil just shook his head and walked away, muttering something about 'Stark being right for the first time'.

 

*******

“NO! JESUS, NO THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!”

 

Tony came running into the room, arc blasters at the ready. "What?! What's going on?!"

 

Steve growled and looked at Tony, “It’s like Mario, but WAIT! THERE’S A FUCKIN’ TWIST! IT’S A FUCKIN’ CAT!”

 

Tony's hand dropped as his mouth fell open. Captain Fucking America (the cure king) was shaking his fist at the damn cat Tony had adopted (like an old man Tony might add) as the damn thing traipsed all over Steve's art notebook and marked up everything in the room with dirty paw prints (yes, including the walls)

 

"How... How in the hell?"

 

Steve sighed,  “Oh, that was pure skill.”

 

Tony just nodded and left the room before Steve or Cat the Cat could shock him any further.

 

*******

“The guy who built this rides a fucking segue. You know it.”

 

Tony did a double take, "Whu???"

 

Steve pointed to the man walking around next to the roller-coaster they had just exited. "The guy just looks like he rides a segue"

 

Tony just nodded slowly and walked away.

 

He was so much past appalled that he was just numb half the time.

 

*******

Tony walked into the gym.

 

 “Clearly I jumped across and FUCKED my own mouth!” Steve shouted.

 

"Nope" Tony said as he walked back out.

 

*******

Tony had Cat the Cat on his head as the damn thing meowed as loud as he could.

 

“Shut the FUCK up!” Steve said as he passed by.

 

Tony just blinked and looked up at the cat, "What happened to him? Who hurt him in this way?"

 

Cat the Cat just meowed.

 

*******

Tony looked at Steve as the man stared at his screen with such intensity that he was afraid the man's eyes would bleed.

 

 “Holy shit this does weird shit to your eyeballs.” Steve muttered with the same facial expression.

 

Tony gulped and looked around (why was no one else ever around when this shit happened?!?!?!), "You okay buddy?"

 

Steve just looked up at his (same expression) and said, “There’s nothing to say about it!"

 

Tony just backed away, "Okay I'll be in the other room trying to find into nothing"

 

*******

 “What the hell is the difference between a shark and a zombie shark? It fucking eats you either way.” Steve shouted at their TV screen.

 

Tony couldn't argue.

 

*******

The Avengers had a mission over the fucking Atlantic Ocean.

 

"Why the hell would a super-villain do his super-villain deeds in the middle of the ocean?" Tony remarked.

 

"No clue Stark, but get to work" Phil said over the comms.

 

"Come on Agent Agent! You have to be asking-"

 

“Here’s a tip: SHUT THE HELL UP.” Steve said over the comms.

 

Tony just blinked. Why was he surprised? Why was he shocked?

 

"Wow Steve, you actually got Stark to shut up" Clint remarked.

 

~

“Fuck you, stingray.” Steve muttered as he climbed out of the water.

 

"Everyone else heard that?" Tony remarked. "Everyone heard Steve say that yeah?"

 

"Yes Stark, we ALL heard Steve curse. Chill" Clint muttered, still trying to figure out why he recognized some of the things Steve was saying.

 

"WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE APPALLED!"

 

"Because you're the only one that cares Stark, time to go" Phil spoke in a monotone.

 

*******

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

 

"Nope!"

 

*******

 “Is there anyone in the booth?”

 

Tony didn't want to know.

 

*******

“IT FUCKING DID IT AGAIN!”

 

"Nuh uh"

 

*******

“They SUCK FAT WANGS.”

 

"In all the towers, in all of the world, why did he have to be in mine?"

 

*******

 “Oh, COME on!”

 

Tony thought about asking what was going wrong, realized it wasn't worth the agony, and turned back around.

 

*******

 “Aw, it’s up my ass.”

 

"NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!"

 

*******

“WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!”

 

Tony looked at what Steve was looking at. He didn't want to know either, so he kindly scooted his ass away from the scene.

 

*******

“LEGGO MY EGGO YOU FUCK!”

 

Tony knew Steve and Cat the Cat was involved.

 

He, however, was not going to be.

 

*******

“Tease it, tease it, TEASE IT.”

 

"Goodbye cruel world"

 

*******

“Here’s my fucking face! What more do you want from me?!”

 

Tony just knew PR would somehow blame him. He just knew it. _No more interviews for you Spangles._

 

*******

“FUCKING FUCK MY DEAD BONES.”

 

Sobbing. Tony Stark, Billionaire Playboy Genius Philanthropist, was sobbing like a little baby. Because of Steve Rogers and his goddamn potty mouth.

 

*******

“Now we’re in double digits! Now we’re fucking moving.”

 

Tony was not shocked anymore. Was not. _Was not._

 

(Was too)

 

*******

“I’m like a fuckin’ square Wendy’s burger.”

 

Tony just balked, "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE"

 

*******

“Oh, sixty nine percent! That’s like a sex thing, isn’t it?”

 

"Nobody explain. Good god, no one explain"

 

*******

“I ate it. I ate the fuckin’ laser beam.”

 

Tony sobbed, "I don't even know what to believe anymore"

 

*******

“Swiss fUCKING CHEESE!”

 

"Only the sweet taste of death will save me now"

 

*******

 “Congratulations you fucking SUCK!”

 

"Okay. Steve Rogers: 1. Justin Hammer: -100000" Tony said with a smirk.

 

*******

“WHY DO YOU JUMP LIKE YOU’RE ON THE FUCKING MOON?!”

 

Tony didn't even want know

 

*******

“C'mere you pig fuck.”

 

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

 

*******

 “I WAS IN THAT HOLE FOR LIKE EIGHT MINUTES!!”

 

Tony winced, "Sorry buddy?"

 

Steve just shook his head, "No worries"

 

*******

“THERE GOES THE FRONT LAWN! GREAT-!”

 

Tony blinked, "We... We don't even have a front lawn?"

 

*******

“I GOTTA DO THAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?“

 

Tony blinked, "Yes?"

 

Steve just nodded, "Okay"

 

Tony almost died.

 

*******

“How deep did you make this thing?!”

 

Tony sighed, "I don't even know what we're talking about anymore"

 

*******

“What is this thing? What is- what… It’s like a mix between a koopa and a roomba.”

 

Clint looked at the bot Steve was looking at and smirked and Stark, "Sorry Stark"

 

Tony just sighed, "Yeah I know"

 

*******

“For fuck’s sake I wanna punch your fucking HEAD off!”

 

Tony scooted away, hoping to all gods above Steve wasn't talking about him.

 

*******

 “Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking cock tease, they wouldn’t be all up on your food!"

 

Tony didn't want to know what Steve was up to with his Russian boyfriend.

 

*******

“STOP THROWING THINGS!!!”

 

Tony just watched in muted turmoil as Steve and his assassin boo-thang threw food at each other in the kitchen.

 

*******

 “Why do you need two spoons to eat your cereal? Why do YOU NEED TWO SPOONS?”

 

Tony looked down at his bowl, "How did my life come to this?"

 

*******

 “OH! HE’S GAFFED IT!”

 

Tony just looked around and hoped whatever was happening wasn't too bad.

 

It was god awful, but Tony just shrugged and walked away.

 

*******

“Shut the- What are you talking about? Why are you talking?! Shut up!"

 

Clint sat up from where had had been lounging against Phil on the couch, "OH! HE'S QUOTING RAGE QUIT!"

 

Tony turned on Clint, "What? You know what? Nevermind. I don't care"

 

Phil looked at Clint, "I blame you and only you"

 

 


	2. Chapter Two: The Blamemingming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint is sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future
> 
> AKA: The Best Damn Thing You'll Ever Read (in vignettes) PART TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based off this: http://fireburnsflowers.tumblr.com/post/128579622608/fucking-meme-starter-sentences-i-cant-believe

"I can't believe you didn't learn the first goddamn time!"

 

"Shut up Phil, I didn't expect it to happen again"

 

"I blame youuuuu"

 

"Don't you always?"

 

*******

Ever since Steve had finally found Bucky and brought him back to the tower (where lots of sex happened), and Steve stopped quoting Rage Quit every five seconds, Clint thought he would finally be out of the doghouse.

 

Then Bucky had come up behind him and said, "What's that you're looking at?"

 

Clint gasped, "No one has educated you about tumblr yet??"

 

Bucky raised an eyebrow, "No?"

 

Clint shook his head, "This must be rectified."

 

Ten minutes later Bucky had his own tumblr account and was on his way to getting with the modern world.

 

*******

Tony walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

 

"Hello Tony," Steve said pleasantly. "Did you actually get to bed last night?"

 

Tony thought about telling the truth for a moment but nodded instead. "Yep, I got plenty of sleep"

 

"why the fuck yOu lyyy'n. why yOu always lyyy'n. mmmm Oh my gOd stOp fuck'n lyyy'n!" Bucky sang as he made cereal. Causing everyone to freeze.

 

Steve just raised an eyebrow.

 

"Okay, okay. I got no sleep. Now shut your trap Barnes!"

 

Clint had to leave the room before anyone realized that he had started something very bad.

 

*******

"I made curry guys!" Bruce shouted to the Avengers as they were all watching a movie.

 

Never ones to pass up curry, the Avengers all scrambled into the kitchen to eat.

 

Everyone sat down at the table and began to shovel the food into their mouths (filthy pigs).

 

"Good shit. That's some good shit right there if I do say so myself-" Bucky said into the silence.

 

Tony gaped at Barnes as Steve rolled his eyes, but Clint could only choke on his curry and try and find the nearest escape route.

 

Phil, of course, looked at him suspiciously.

 

_You'll never catch me alive Phillip!_

 

*******

The Avengers had just finished a huge battle when Steve gave out a loud cry.

 

Turning their heads, they all saw Bucky on the ground, seemingly unconscious.

 

Rushing over, they all skidded to their knees as Steve brought Bucky into his arms.

 

"Bucky! Buck, come on, wake up... Please!" Steve begged.

 

Bucky opened his eyes a crack and looked at Steve. "St-stevie?"

 

"Yeah, Buck. I'm here. Talk to me...."

 

Bucky groaned, "Stevie... I'm-"

 

"You're? You're what?" Steve asked quietly.

 

"I'm-"

 

Steve's eyes grew watery, "What is it Bucky?"

 

"I'm.... JOHNNNNNN CENNNAAAAAA" Bucky yelled before sitting up.

 

Clint choked on his own goddamn spit.

 

"JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME"

 

"Worth it Stevie"

 

_I am so fucked, Phil is bound to know by now._

 

*******

The Avengers were at a press juncet. A task that nonr of them found particularly entertaining, and evem Stark was getting noticeably agitated at how stupid and intrusive the questions were getting.

 

"So Mr. Barnes, it seems that you used to be a Russian Assassin? One interviewer asked.

The Avengers all froze.

Standing up, Steve growled. "That was _not_ -"

 

Bucky held up a hand, "First off I would like to thank Steve for his support. But I would like to address these assholes that had a lot to say about me in the press. Hydra, what's good?"

 

Clint slid out of his seat and under the table as the questions began to get louder.

 

******* 

 Clint and Phil were holding hands as they entered the common floor living room to find Steve and Bucky mid- heavy make out, sans most of their clothes.

 

"OH GOD BARNES, ROGERS. WHAT THE HELL MAN?" Clint screeched.

 

Steve stopped immediately and looked up at Phil and Clint, his cheeks turning red.

 

Bucky however just sat up and gave Clint a one-fingered salute. "Eat my ass Barton"

 

Clint then grabbed Phil's hand tighter and dragged him from the room. "Enjoy the sex boys"

 

 *******

Another Avengers mission, another day in which Clint hopes Phil never figures out how Barnes learned all this shit.

 

The Avengers were all in the quinjet on the way to the mission, when the mission came to them.

 

"Shit, you seeing his?" Tony said to everyone.

 

"GET THIS ON RADAR"

 

Clint hummed nonchalantly and walked away.

 

 *******

Clint didn't know how Phil and Steve conned Bucky and himself to go on a double-date, but here they both were wearing monkey-suits.

 

Bucky and Clint were also weirdly the first ones to arrive. Awkwardly sitting themselves down at a table to wait for Steve and Phil, Clint and Bucky made really bad small talk.

 

"So tell me Clint... Besides yourself and Natasha of course, who is your favorite Avenger?"

 

Clint thought about it for a moment before shrugging. "Probably Iron man"

 

Suddenly Bucky was putting breadsticks into his arms, "I'm sorry I have to leave right now immediately"

 

Clint sighed, "No don't go. Phil will kill me if you doooo"

 

Bucky smirked, "You just don't want him to figure out you introduced me to tumblr"

 

Clint's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "I knew you were doing this on purpose"

 

Bucky cackled, "You bet I am."

 

*******

"CRAVE THAT MINERAL"

   
Clint looked around him before scrambling into a vent, _Phil can't catch me if he doesn't know where I am._

 

*******

"Go ahead and try to hit me if you're able"

 

Clint looked around, "Yeah no..."

 

Bucky smirked, "Chicken"

 

"Yup. Goodbye...."

 

"Chickeennnnnn!!!"

 

*******

"GUYS LOOK I'M AN ACTION FIGURE"

 

"Okay... That sounds fake but okay"

 

"You shut your trap Barnes"

 

"Make me Barton"

 

*******

"HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER " 

 

Clint literally ran away as he saw Natasha chasing after Bucky.

 

*******

"WE."

 

"We what?" Clint asked from the vents.

 

"I don't know" Barnes said.

 

"Right...." Clint said as he crawled away.

 

******* 

Clint and Phil were sitting in the living room as Bucky came in and threw down some books.

 

Phil raised an eyebrow, "Uh?"

 

"These are  biographies"

 

Phil nodded, "That's fascinating"

 

"Biographies about me"

 

Clint raised an eyebrow, "Biographies about you?"

 

Bucky nodded, "The author of my journals... My brother. he wanted to get my life in book form"

 

Phil frowned, "I thought you only had a sister"

 

Clint hummed, "Oh look at the time I just realized I have a mission"

 

Phil looked at Clint, "No you don't"

Clint was already leaving, "OH NO MISSION. SO SORRY"

 

******* 

"WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! "

 

Phil glared at Clint, "When are you going to admit that you caused this??"

 

"NEVER"

 

Phil huffed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	3. Back to the Blaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint was almost setting himself up to fail at this point 
> 
> AKA: The Best Damn Thing You'll Ever Read (in vignettes) PART THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of this: http://yogurtville.tumblr.com/post/82287398191/nice-things-to-whisper-when-hugging-someone

"Philllllllllll! I promise you it wasn't my fault this time!"

"I. Blame. You. If this happens one more goddamn time, I'm taking away all of your technology!"

"Phillllll"

 

*******

Clint and Sam had become quick bros after Steve had first introduced them when the two men had brought Bucky back into the fray.

This fact would eventually be his downfall (and his latest downfall anyway).

Clint was suffering the web on the couch in the common floor living room, excited that he had finally gotten out of his latest punishment with Phil ( _Damn you Barnes)_

Clicking on a link, Clint was suddenly laughing his ass off after he finished reading the whole thing. 

Sam, curious to Clint's mirth, leaned over the couch. "Whatcha looking at?"

Clint just pointed to his laptop screen, "Nice things to whisper to someone when you're hugging"

Sam raised an eyebrow and read through the list on Clint's screen, and eventually laughing just like Clint had.

Suddenly, an idea popped into Sam's brain. "Hey bird boy, send me the link to that?"

Clint hummed, thinking nothing of Sam's request. "It's sent"

Sam smiled, "Good.... Very good"

Clint turned around and spotted the look on Sam's face, and he felt the blood from his own leave it.

"Oh no"

"Oh _yes"_ Sam said as he began to leave the room.

Clint scrambled up and jumped over the couch. "Sam noooooooo, I just got off couch duty from Phil!"

Sam just cackled, leaving Clint to his inevitable fate.

 

*******

Tony was walking through the halls, not paying attention like usual, when he came into contact with Wilson.

Feeling the other man's arms wrap around him, Tony let out of "Oof!"

Looking upwards, Tony smiled, "Thanks bird buddy for the save with the arms and stuff"

Wilson just smiled and leaned down, "I killed Mufasa"

Tony blinked and pulled back, his mouth opened to question Wilson.

He was just patted on the head and left alone in the hallway.

"What just happened" Tony asked the walls.

The walls didn't answer. Jarvis knew what was going on, but thought it funnier not to tell.

 

*******

Everyone was scrambling for food in the kitchen, a usual fare for the team when Bruce and Clint team-up to cook.

Tony was just about to grab another one of Bruce's spring rolls, when he felt himself lifted into the air in a hug.

Squeaking, Tony turned his head and spotted Wilson once again.

Bending down, Wilson pressed closer to Tony, "Mother told me it would be like this"

Before Tony could once again question the other man, he was plopped into his seat and left to his own devices. 

 

~

Clint noticed the scene starting, and before Phil could notice as well, kissed him as hard as he could. 

"Nice save" Sam whispered to Clint as he passed by him when he pulled away from a stunned Phil. 

"Very nice save" Clint mumbled back to himself. 

 

*******

They were on a mission in downtown New York (because where else would bad guys hit them? No where!), and things were wrapping up quite nicely.   


Until Tony's blasters suddenly gave out and he started to fall to the ground. 

Scared, but not aggressively so, Tony tried to get the blasters to reunite, but also waited for another flying Avenger to save him. 

Seconds later, arms curled around him, and he looked into the face of his hero. 

"Wilson" Tony said. 

Wilson just smiled and dropped down onto the rooftop. "Every time I poop I think of you"

Tony blinked and Wilson was gone. 

"What the fuUUUuuuUuUUckkkk" He wailed. 

 

~

"Clint?" Phil said patiently over the comms at Tony's wail.

"It's nothing dear. Tony just being Tony" Clint said with a laugh. 

"It better be"

 

*******

Tony was in the kitchen at 3AM, completely sleep-deprived. 

His was swaying back and forth, his hands reaching out for the coffee pot, when he felt arms curl around him. 

Startled, he looked into the eyes of, you guessed it, Wilson. 

"Hello?"

Wilson just smirks and leans down to whisper in Tony's ear. "I always knew you would die in my arms"

Tony's eyes went wide as Wilson drifted away into the distance. 

Not awake enough to deal with this shit, Tony just laid down on the floor. 

 

~

Phil found him like that the next morning and looked at Clint sternly. 

"Tony is... Tony?" Clint tried to explain. 

"Mmmmmhmmm"

 

*******

Tony was not of wary of everything, never knowing when Wilson's brand of terror would strike next. 

But nothing came, for several weeks in fact. 

Tony was just beginning to relax again, when he felt the hackles on his neck rise. 

Turning around, Tony walked right into Wilson's trap. 

Arms secure around him, Tony tried to wiggle away, but Wilson was too strong. 

"No one will ever believe you" Wilson whispered before sliding away. 

Tony just decided hiding under his desk would be the greatest thing in the world.

 

*******

"Yessssssssssssss" Was hissed into his ear by Wilson. 

Tony just slumped in Wilson's arms into the man walked away. 

Tony had given up on life, nothing would ever be the same again. 

 

~

"Clint Barton, you wouldn't happen to know why Tony is sitting on the couch saying 'why me?' over and over again would you?"

"Uh..... Aesthetic?"

"Nice one, try again"

"Aw, Phil"

 

*******  


Tony both hated and loved taking PR photos with fans. 

He loved it because he got to be with the fans, hated it because it was just another thing the stupid press could remark on scathingly. 

No matter what Tony did, the paparazzi always tried to spin things negatively. 

On that bright PR shoot day, Tony was paired with Clint and Wilson. Which was scary to say the least.

_ Who knows what they'll do.... _

Everything was going well, and they had just finished with the last fan.   


Tony was about to suggest getting some schwarma, when Wilson leaned over to him. "I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear" 

 

~

"Clint, why is there a picture of Tony looking scared shit-less in this trashmag?"

Clint, not wanting Phil to know the real truth, freaked and blurted the first thing that came to mind. "I gave him a wedgie"

Phil just raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask for another explanation. 

Clint sighed in relief, but knew it wasn't long until he would get in trouble again. 

 

*******

Tony was a paranoid motherfucker. 

He looked around him at all times, flinched at every noise, slept with one eye open, the works. 

Sitting in the common floor living room, Tony worked on some schematics on his StarkPad. 

Soon, his paranoia was forgotten in favor of his work. 

Which was a huge mistake of course. 

Three hours after he started, Tony stood up and was immediately wrapped in a warm embrace. 

Freezing, Tony wondered what horrible thing fate had in store for him today. 

"Your hair tastes like strawberries" 

Nodding slowly, Tony just waited until Wilson disappeared before melting onto the couch. 

 

*******

"Soon" Wilson whispered into Tony's ear before disappearing. 

Nodding to himself, Tony just went about his day, sheer horror met with muted acceptance in his eyes.

 

~

"Clint Francis Barton, are you going to tell me what's going on?" Phil said to Clint with a frown.

Clint tried to think of something quick, but couldn't. "Uhmm.... Well... Uh"

"Uh well uh what?" Phil said.

"Pepper is pregnant!" Clint blurted out and cursed himself because now Pepper _and_ Phil were gonna kill him. 

Phil just raised his eyebrows. 

Whistling nonchalantly, Clint hurried away. 

 

~

"CLINT BARTON" Pepper screeched. 

Clint ran as fast as he could.

 

*******

"He knows, don't go home"

Tony nodded slowly as Wilson faded away. 

Suddenly a thought came to him.

"But I am home" He whispered softly. "I am home"

Walking around he kept whispering it to himself with an occasional - "What the fuck..." 

 

~

Phil watched Stark walk around mumbling to himself for over 20 minutes. 

He knew that Clint was involved somehow. 

_ Oh, what appropriate punishment should I inflict on my love this time? _

Walking to the gym where he knew Clint was, Phil dragged his lover onto the common floor and pointed at Tony. "Explain"

Clint's brain scrambled for an explanation. "He hasn't slept in 4 days?" He said hesitantly, knowing that that was an actual probability. 

Phil just sighed and shook his head, allowing Clint to escape. 

 

*******

"You smell different when you're awake"

Tony's eyes crack open from where he had been resting against the wall.

The arms around him slipped away, as did Wilson. 

"What do I smell like?" Tony whispered as he tried to sniff all of his body. 

 

~

Phil raised an eyebrow as he watched Tony try to sniff his own ass. 

"What in the hell?" He muttered to himself. 

Clint, walking in on the scene, acted quickly. 

"Phil, I'm incredibly horny" Clint said as he kissed Phil, trying to take the focus away from Tony's ramblings and sniffing. 

Phil, not one to give up on some adult time with Clint, immediately forgot about the scientist. 

 

*******

"Tonight... you"

Tony blinked, but Wilson was gone. 

"Tonight I what?" He asked, knowing he wouldn't get a response. 

"Tonight I whaaaatttt?" He whined. 

 

~

Sam watched from around the corner and almost laughed his ass off. 

Clint, seeing this, knew he was going to be in some deep shit (Not like he didn't know it before of course)

"Are you almost done torturing Stark?" He asked in a whisper. 

Sam looked at him and nodded, "I have two more and I'll be done, I promise"

Clint sighed in relief and nodded. "Thank fuck. If this goes on any longer Phil will have my ass for dinner"

Sam wiggled his eyebrows, "Doesn't he usually"

"Aww dude gross. True, but gross"

"Awww dude, now I'm grossed out"

"You're fault bro"

*******

Tony felt the arms come around him a facsimile of a hug, and wished for the sweet taste of death. 

Turning around, Tony accepted his fate. "Yes Wilson"

"Please help me" Wilson said seriously. 

Frowning, Tony was about to ask what was wrong when Wilson smiled. 

And continued to smile. 

And kept right on smiling as he released Tony as walked away backwards.

Tony had never felt so scared in his entire life. 

_ What is my life? _

_ What does this happen to me? _

_ What have I done? _

_ Lord have mercy on my soul _

_ I need Jesus _

_ Or a drink _

_ No wait. No drink. Pepper will kill me.  _

_ I need Pepper. _

 

*******

Tony felt the arms wrap around him and cursed his fate. 

"Why so stiff Tony?" Pepper asked. 

Taking a deep breath, Tony sighed, tension leaving him. "Sorry, I thought you were Wilson"

Pepper smiled, "Ohhh I get it"

Tony turned in her arms and wrapped his arms around her torso, "So how have you been doing?"

Pepper hummed happily. "I've been doing great. Have I ever told you how handsome you are?"

Tony smiled, "Once or twice. But I could always use the ego boost"

Pepper smiled. "You are incredibly handsome"

"Yeah?"

"Mhmmm. You have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it"

Tony screeched loudly and ran away. 

Wilson stepped out from his hiding space and cackled before high fiving Pepper. 

 

~

Phil watched as a screeching Tony sprint through the hallways. 

With a furious expression, Phil turned to Clint.   


"You are in so much shit"

Clint groaned, "But Phiiiiiiilllll"

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))

**Author's Note:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


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